monkey! (hogan) wrote,

ive won. u hav given up. i knew u wuld.

yes, you have won. the more i care, the more you go away. the less i care, the more pissed off you get. everyone has screwed you over and now its your turn to call the shots and to be free. oh, but you have always been able to do that. doesnt matter i suppose. i love how you demand your things back, like YOUR car. as if somehow i have forgotten that its yours. is that supposed to evoke pain, anger and fear into me?

all that shit doesnt matter though. im doing what you want me to do because its all i know how to do anymore. i do as im told and thats that. you want to be rid of your life and im included in that. i am not special. i am not a unique and beutiful snowflake. i am not your fucking kahakis.

i realize now that i was never enough for her. i realize that i never gave her enough of me, that i held back for some reason, or was too lazy to be involved with all of her. and now shes gone. i have squandered something that could have been great. this has happened because i forgot. forgot who i was and who i should be. and now she has been damaged again. i am sorry for your loss.

my only regret about coming here is that i was too lazy to try and be a better person. she taught me many things about myself on an emotional level, but i never applied that enough to us. ive drifted through life. ive drifted through my job. ive drifted through her. ive let her down and theres nothing i can do to make it right.

i hope and beg that one dayin the future that i can find her again. that we can both find eachother in a better state, in a better time.

your room in my heart is there when you need it, anytime you need it. the door is open only for you, no hour is too late for you to drop by and say hi. i love you and i will miss you terribly.
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